I'm at work.   And I would be working.. if there were work to get.   Since there is no work, I guess I'll just type.   Yeah, I've been on a downhill roller coaster ride the last couple of weeks and it's finally stuck me in the pit of sadness.

It'll be a tough hill to climb back up, but I've managed before and I'll manage again.   I have been job hunting, putting applications into everything but fast food restaurants.   There was a slight nibble concerning a job at a manufacturing plant ($17/hour again?  YES!), but it fell through.

We were supposedly having "potential clients" around the building from time to time, but instead we get realtors showing around potential buyers of the building?   So.... was anyone planning on telling us this?   If this building gets bought, what is 200+ people going to do?   Are we relocating to a smaller building, or will you be handing us our walking papers?   I'm sick of the BS here.. I want some answers.   I think we deserve it.   I'm sure there's a slight "fear" from management that if we find out we're being laid off, we won't work.   Some people probably won't, but I want my money for as long as I can get it.   Just give me some information.

And I find it sad that everyone wants to hire college students because they can pay them less.   I may be out of college, but I'm not old.   I work hard and do what I'm supposed to.  Charlotte, NC is supposedly the "best place" to live in the world right now.    A couple hundred miles down the road in Raleigh... it sucks.

Maybe I should move... get on with it.   I just find it hard to let go of the memories.   My family is here, my father is buried here, and I grew up here.   Maybe here just isn't the place for me anymore.. 

A little sad, right now.  I woke up today and decided I was going to be happy!  I have not been all that happy, but I keep stating that I will be happy.  Maybe before I go to sleep.

Maybe tomorrow will be better.   On a good note... if I get laid off, we'll go down to the lake for a month and stay.   Lake is good.  And I have net access at the lake now that my data card finally came in.

That sounds like fun...

Most people that know me think I'm the "rule-breaker".   It's partly true, I do test the waters to see how much I can get away with quite a bit.   They also know that I'm not going to kiss up to a boss and am more apt to argue with them if I feel something is wrong.   My current job is nice enough to not promote based on favoritism, but skill.   Despite my attitude, I am a quick-learner, have the ability to retain information well, and I work hard.

So while it surprised some people that I started as a customer service rep and moved to mentor, then trainer, and finally team lead... skill got me there.   I'm pleasant to customers, but I know how to say no.   During this time, my account manager has been extremely open and honest and looks after her agents.   I'm a good example... when a new job offering became available on another campaign that suited my needs for the time (it was an at-home job and I needed to be with my grandfather), she encouraged me to take it.   And 5 weeks later when they told me they were laying off all of the at-home agents due to lack of work, she had me starting back at my previous campaign within the week.   Even though there was no room for her to hire anyone at that time.   And when a brand new contract was signed for a fresh new campaign, she asked me to fly to California with her in order to come back and train the other new team members.

And now that this new campaign is in trouble and trying to put a freeze on their contract... that open honesty seems to have disappeared.  It's been 2 weeks since we were told a brief statement that the campaign was trying to freeze their contract and that emails on another campaign were our saving grace.   Those emails are gone, and more people have been hired for "that" campaign.   And we've been given absolutely no information.   I would even go as far as to say she has been pulling a major disappearing act and we haven't even seen her.

We're a very small, close knit campaign... there's only 6 of us (as of right now).   And when 4 of those 6 people get to talking, we start putting more and more information together.   And that information isn't very good...  supervisors are starting to get very picky about petty things that people do and the writing ups start.   Assessment tests are being given to some people and not others.. More random monitors begin occurring.. and other "supervisors" begin to shy away from our little area... sups that would normally stop and talk ... everyday, usually several times a day.

One of the guys that most of the petty nitpicking has been focused on has started removing personal belongings from his desk... something I did 3 months ago.  He is planning on asking her what's up soon...  I would, but like I said, she keeps pulling the disappearing act.

Normally, I wouldn't be worried.   But from personal experience, and the fact that this has been happening a lot as of late.. this company has the tendency to tell employees as they walk in one day that they no longer have a job.    I'm confused... but there's nothing that I can do.

Just cleaning up my page a little.  I'm feeling down right now and needed something constructive to do.  It's past 3:30am and I have to work tomorrow.... or rather, today.   I should be asleep, instead I'm just sitting here, at the computer... like normal.

It's currently 63 degrees F out and it feels like a 100 in this room.   Of course, since I have myself locked up in a room that might be the case.   The fan is going, but of course, my mother has the heat on because she's always cold.   I don't know why I even bother with an LJ anymore.   The few people that are on my friend's list never check it, never post on their's, etc, etc.   Guess it helps with venting..

Work sucks, life sucks.  I was supposed to be spending the night at White Lake tonight, but instead managed to get into an argument with my mother.   Stupid stuff, but she pouts... a lot.   So instead, I'm at home..   If I were at the lake, I could at least go swimming to cool off.  Swimming at night = stupid, right?  White Lake is approximately 6 miles in length and I have actually swam it from one side to the other.   There's always people out in the water, no matter what time.   Lights are everywhere, piers are everywhere..   When I was younger, I found the lake really boring.   Nothing to do except swim all day.   And of course, swimming all day = major sunburn for me.   And I don't tan.... ever.   Sunburn for a couple days and then it's gone.   Back to my really pale self.

My grandfather, my mother, my father were exact opposites.   All of them had Native American blood, and they just got darker.   I lucked out and got my Irish grandmother's complexion, complete with red hair.  That's life.  

I've been feeling pretty miserable the last couple of months, and trying to hide it.   I've found that once you get miserable enough, you just can't hide it anymore.   That + my temper has led to a variety of explosive arguments.   My usual sounding board, Miriam, has enough on her plate that I don't want to bother her with my troubles.   She's got 6 kids and a husband that just found out he had cancer.   She's been doing well holding herself and them up, but she's starting to feel the pressure now.   I've been lending an ear the best I could, but now he's about to have surgery, she is out of work for a few months and staying at home with him.   I still get to talk to her every great once and awhile.   Cell phones were absolutely wonderful inventions..  they help us keep in touch, even when we're on the road.

My "bar buddy" just got laid off of her job, 2 months after her husband did.   They're both looking for jobs and have 3 kids to finish putting through school... and haven't had much luck.   I see all this happening and know that things could be worse for me.   I could be in that situation.   But I'm not, and I should be glad, right?   I should be happy that I'm blessed.   And yet, still miserable.

A co-worker and someone that I like to call a friend is currently going through the same thing with her grandmother that I went through with my grandfather.   She was telling me about it a few days ago and just started crying.   I could only give her a hug and offer the advice "Don't let it stress you, things happen for a reason."   It's stupid advice, but it's the only thing I could tell her.   Two years and 3 ulcers later, I was stressed to the max with my grandfather.   And it didn't do me any good to be like that.  It wasn't helping him, my mother, and myself..   And my mother got the brunt of it.. I tried to help her all that I could, but sometimes I needed to escape.

It's now 4am and while I feel like I've vented most of my feelings.. I'm still not feeling better.  I know people would tell me, "Let it go, get over it."   Easier said than done.   I've never considered myself very emotional..  but this sucks.

I've been in a depression before... back when I was 21 and was constantly in pain, high on meds, and my only trips out of the house were to a doctor or physical therapist.   At that time,  the only thing that got me out was begging my doctor to release me to go back to work and to drop all the medications.  My boyfriend at the time and friend James really helped me through that time, too.  Now - I have no boyfriend, really don't want one and my friend James has moved to another state.   But I'm not on meds anymore, I'm not in physical pain, I'm working, and I do get out of the house.   So this really sucks.

Ah, well... enough ranting for the night.   It's always better in the morning, right?   And yes, this was my own personal pity party... "Poor little me", right?  Screw it.

I noticed that I hadn't updated in quite awhile.. so I deleted some stuff.. Also appears that my 50 Things about me needed updating.. so here we go.

3.  Hinder now competes with Nickelback for favorite band.

10.  New favorite author is Janet Evanovich with the Stephanie Plum novels.

11.  I've stopped believing in heros.

12.  I've got the book, it was good.. I'll miss it.

15.  I'm not so sure about the beach anymore.  Anywhere not cold is good for me.

36.  I've stopped playing around with the Tarot.  My mind is closed for destruction.  (Yeah, destruction...)

39.  I'm rather partial to cheese now.

41.  Fantasy & Magic have become overrated.

43.  I'm currently at 148 words per minutes.

46.  I now have 4 holes in each ear.

49.  I donated most of the dolls once I realized my childhood was over.

50.  I still miss them, but now my grandfather has been added to the list.

As I haven't figured out how to do the whole hide text thing... or maybe my brain is just way to tired.   I just want to vent.   Don't read below this line!!!



I understand, main characters had to die, but one of the Weasley twins?? That would have never crossed my mind.  That's just ... sad.   And poor Tonks and Lupin.. right after having a baby, too.  At least their baby has a grandmother, and doesn't have to end up like Harry did.   Always knew Neville would end up as the teacher at Hogwarts, and sorta figured that Ron and Hermoine would eventually get together.  Kinda didn't expect the whole Ginny/Harry thing to evolve past school though.   Oh, well.. can't complain there.  Nice how their kids were named after Harry's mother, father, Dumbledore, and Snape?   And yeah, to those Snape haters, I TOLD you he was good!!!  So ha!! :D


Okay, that's it for now. 

1. I was born on February 27, 1981.

2. I am of Irish, Scottish, and Cherokee heritages.

3. Hinder is my favorite band.

4. I have spent $140 just to go to a rock concert.

5. My dream is to be a published writer.

6. I love the Final Fantasy series.

7. My favorite color is green.

8. I collect dragons & fairies.

9. My movie collection rivals Blockbuster's. Seriously, I have a ton of movies.

10. My favorite author is Dean Koontz. Followed closely by Stephen King.

11. If I had a hero, it would be J.K. Rowlings.

12. I have pre-ordered the last Harry Potter book and will miss it when the series is over.

13. I despise cooking, yet I know how to.

14. I am opinionated, I just don't tend to share my opinions at times.

15. I want to live at the beach.

16. My youngest brother was killed when I was four.

17. I have/had two older half-brothers and two older half-sisters.

18. I wish I were shorter.

19. I love all types of music except country and classical.

20. I am right handed.

21. I graduated a NC Scholar.

22. Vampires fascinate me.

23. I'm for equal rights, but I believe that the women carried it a bit too far.

24. Despite working in a business enviroment and having to wear them everyday - I despise dresses and skirts.

25. My eyes are green and my hair has a natural dark blonde/reddish thing going on.

26. I am very stubborn when it comes to things I want to do. My father once said that I could achieve anything I wanted to - if only because I am so stubborn.

27. I believe I'm a patient person, but there are times when my patience runs out.

28. I'm a movie-whore. I love movies.

29. I've never done illegal drugs, and probably never will.

30. I don't show my emotions well - I am a very private person.

31. I love cats and dogs.

32. I'm afraid of spiders & bees.

33. My first dog was half-wolf.

34. I like looking at the stars and wonder who else is looking at the same star I am.

35. I have a Yorkshire Terrie named Sebastian, a Yorkie/Poodle mix named Cinnamon, a cat named Lucky, and a guinea pig named Gertrude.

36. I play around with Tarot cards.

37. I'm addicted to Mt. Dew.

38. I'm a freebie queen - I love getting free stuff in the mail.

39. My favorite food is turkey spaghetti.

40. I love the anime "The Slayers".

41. Fantasy & Magic fascinate me.

42. I don't watch a lot of TV - but will horde the TV if a Charmed episode I haven't seen is on.

43. I type 104 words per minute.

44. I went to school for Information Systems and was 1 semester short from getting an associate's degree.

45. I switched over to Phlebotomy and quickly realized that it wasn't for me.

46. I have 3 holes in my right ear and 2 holes in my left.

47. I have a tattoo on my upper right arm. From the side it looks like a dragon, up and down it looks like a rose. I drew it myself, so I have a permanent display of my artwork. :D

48. I know how to work with plastic canvas. (Craftwise)

49. I collect Barbie dolls.

50. I miss my father and grandmother very much.